A Caribbean Mess

A Caribbean Mess

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Back on Track??? Maybe?

It's been over a week since my last post, but there is a reason. Things have been... TOUGH! Of course, we're missing Bryan more than ever, and I think that has EVERYTHING to do with it. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I just figured I would feel overwhelmed, and be really on-edge being this pregnant, and having the two kids all to myself, but it's been much worse.

I also thought that James and Alexis were too little for these big changes to make a difference in their behavior. Boy... was I WRONG!!! James (although always crazy) has always been a sweet, tender-hearted boy (much like his father). He always rushes to apologize, and always wants to make sure I'm okay. But... starting about 3 days after Bryan left, he turned MEAN AND NASTY! He would yell and scream at me, say some of the rudest things, and would REFUSE to listen (just to name a few). The list really goes on and on. But really, just imagine a complete terror. That was James. It was embarrassing to even go anywhere for fear that a temper tantrum would begin. His pre-school teachers noticed that he was struggling too, the whole nine yards.

Alexis, although always independent, began to listen less (although that's hard to imagine), while at the same time became VERY CLINGY! She has NEVER had a hard time going to sleep at night, and ever since we moved to my G'ma's house, both she and James would lie in bed awake for nearly 3 hours every night!!! It has been an absolute nightmare on my end! Last night was the worst! 3 1/2 hours of screaming from Alexis. She never even did that as a newborn! She's always dove right into bed, and is asleep 10 min later. Others find it a miracle, really.  But finally, I caved. I couldn't do it anymore. I laid down on the floor with her, and within 2 minutes she was asleep! I knew I was in trouble - that she would expect this every night from now on. But I just didn't have it in me any more to keep fighting.

I've been exhausted! The kids are running me ragged. The two-man job has turned into a one-man job, and I thought it would be much easier to handle. Their "inability" to listen to instructions was quickly driving me insane. It was heartbreaking to see them struggle so badly with their Daddy gone. They don't understand why we just can't go with him. It got so bad yesterday, Jan. 16th, that I just knew I couldn't do it any longer. Something had to break, and I was just hoping that it wasn't me. I was not myself. I was not happy. I was afraid this was the beginning of a downward spiral. That was when I caved for Lexi. And that was when (after falling to my knees in desperate prayer) I went to sleep. 

And miraculously!!!! Today occurred! All three of us started the day well-rested and with smiles. James started using his "pleases" and "thank-yous" again. He wasn't screaming, and neither was Lexi. No whining was occurring, and they were eating. They laughed and played. It seemed as though they were back! But, was I? Still a little sad, but I was able to find motivation today! I cleaned the bathrooms, went grocery shopping, baked a cheesecake for my sis-in-law's bday. I was productive! And then the real test... bedtime. I didn't really let Lexi take a nap (except for about 20 min in the car). They took baths, got in jammies, and instead of laying them down at 7, I thought I would take baby steps, and try 8. Still climbing out of her bed at 8:15, I thought I was in trouble with Alexis, and James was crying that he was thirsty... but 8:20 hit, and BOOM!!! SILENCE!!!!!!! I checked, and they're both OUT LIKE A LIGHT!!! Could this really be happening? 

Are we really back on track??? I sure hope so. Life without Bryan is unbearable enough as it is. This would make the time go by a WHOLE lot quicker.


Sunday, January 8, 2012

Happy Birthday BM!

Happy 24th Birthday to my little sis who I like to call the BM! (We only call her that cause it drives my mom crazy.) :) She got the name by being my "BridesMaid" at our wedding, and it's stuck ever since. Oh... and I'm the "Big B."

She leaves to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Columbus, OH in just a couple of days. I'm excited for her, but I'm really gonna miss talking to her. I think she'll be pretty dang amazing though. I love you little girl!

Up and Down

MY                                    WENT                                       THIS!







DAY                                             LIKE        

Saturday, January 7, 2012

OVERWHELMED!!!!!!!!!

Only one word can truly sum up the way I have felt this week.
OVERWHELMED!!! 
Some has been good, some has been bad.

First, let me point one thing out. A few months ago, I told my good friend, Tami, that I would not feed anyone with any bull on my blog. We were discussing how people only write about the good stuff on their blogs, and then I told her, "When I have my blog, I'll say what's up." So Tami... this is for you!

Let's start with Monday, January 2nd...
 Overwhelmed with cleaning our apartment. We're not dirty people, but this was our first move... EVER... as a married couple, and like anyone will tell you, you just start to accumulate things. We started out with practically nothing, and moved with 2 1/2 kids, lots of toys, and LOTS of furniture. Took us 8 hours to clean the whole thing. (Note, I may have been a little OCD, but C'mon! There are other people moving in after us! It's gotta be clean.) We came to the conclusion at the end of the night that it would have been worth it to pay for a maid service. Lesson... learned. Check!
Tuesday & Wednesday...
OVERWHELMED with the thought of Bryan leaving! I can't stop crying, I'm on sensory overload, the kids are too much and too loud, the to-do list is too long, the thought of not having my other half with me for 2 1/2 months seems unbearable. I'm getting sick, I'm completely fatigued, feeling chlostrophobic in my G'ma's house (there's just nowhere to put our things... although I am SO grateful to have this place to stay.) The charlie horses in the middle of the night only get better when Bryan is here to help me, and THEN.... we get into a fender bender. My fault, the other driver is stupid. Chalk this day up as a SUCKY ONE! It's sets us behind just enough to miss every place to go out to eat by about 15 minutes. Supposed to be our date night. It's not going well. Just time to go to bed. 
DONE, DONE, AND DONE.

 Thursday, Jan. 5th
100% COMPLETELY Overwhelmed by the love our friends and family showed us. We had an open house for Bryan, so that people could wish him luck and say goodbye. We had a great turn-out. For three hours we had steady visitors, people we love dearly, wishing Bryan their best, and then turning to me and telling me that they are here for me while he is gone. And if I need any help... "Don't hesitate to call." If anyone knows me, that is a very difficult statement. I HATE asking people for help, but I know I'll need it over the next few months. Humility is definitely not my greatest strength (possibly my greatest weakness), and calling people for help will definitely require some humility. As hard as it has been to sit and wait for our "dreams to come true," the reality is, had we not been here this entire time, we never would have been able to form the relationships we have. We are so very blessed to have you all in our lives. (You know who you are, I hope... The list is too long for me to write specific names).

Friday, Jan. 6th (D-day)
The morning began at 3:30 am to take Bryan to the airport. James was out of it, and SCREAMED, I mean SCREAMED in the car for 35 minutes for us to turn around and/or stop the car. He wanted to be in bed. OVERWHELMING!!! At first I was overwhelmed with heartache for him. After about 15 minutes of a very loud, broken record, my heartache turned into ANGER. Pure anger. How was I going to do this without Bryan? He's the calm one of the two of us. I need him by my side. Not on the other side of the world. Back home, back to bed. Overwhelmed with the task ahead of me. Slept most of the day away. In the meantime, I received at least 10 to 15 texts or messages from friends telling me they are thinking of me, and they will be here to help at the drop of a hat if necessary. The best part about it... I totally believe them. Completely Overwhelmed by their love.

Saturday, Jan. 7th
So overwhelmed with my to-do list, and I'm sick. :( Just gotta do one thing at a time. I got a little bit done, but I just can't do everything I want to. I can't. And then I got to see Bryan's sweet face. Thank goodness for Skype. Oh, how we miss him already. So overwhelmed with gratitude for the people responsible for getting him there safely, and then the people who have taken care of him while he's been there. I need more sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
So grateful for all who have helped "Overwhelm" me.