A Caribbean Mess

A Caribbean Mess

Friday, January 29, 2016

Can Our Hearts Really Take Anymore?

<3 My Heart. <3 
My heart is ACHING.
My heart is BREAKING.
Can our hearts handle one more thing?
How much more can we take?
Is God trying to break us?

I just don't know.

I have a friend whose 4 year-old boy has just suffered from a MAJOR stroke. And when I say major, I mean, his life will now forever be in danger. They almost lost him then, and now they will live in fear of losing him every day. I can't even wrap my head around this. Is it not enough that this sweet boy has sickle-cell anemia? Is it not enough that he's already been hospitalized WAY more than any 4 year-old ever should be? 

Is it not enough that his parents have suffered approximately EIGHT miscarriages? Is it not enough that they gave birth to, and lost a baby boy at 20 weeks? Is it not enough that they went through a grueling adoption process to become the parents of this sweet, happy, and adventurous 4 year-old boy?


I have never met such dedicated parents. I have tears streaming down my face as I am typing this. HOW is this happening to them? I don't know if she has ever complained about her four children, and that's all I ever seem to do. She fought SO fiercely and desperately to have these babies join her family, and I'm pretty sure mine jumped into my womb the second Bryan winked at me. Seriously, though. 

Does she love her children more than I love mine? Probably not. 
Do we express it differently? Probably.
Is she more patient with her 4 kids than I am with mine? Oh yes. OH YES.
Does she appreciate them a million times more than I do? 
Did she work a million times harder to get those babies here? Most definitely.

It's amazing how much more we appreciate something that we've worked so tirelessly for.
But that makes it all the more devastating when it just gets ripped right out from under us.
Why is their baby's health just getting ripped right out from under them?

Now, I know we are here to learn and grow, and I know we all have our different trials. But some people just REALLY seem to get the short end of the stick. ALWAYS. 
As much as this situation has helped me appreciate what I have, I WOULD NEVER wish this on someone just so I could appreciate my children more. 


I have another friend who is battling cancer while taking care of her 5 children.

I have (as many of you know) another friend who lost his wife (and mother to their two boys) in the most tragic way possible.  

I have friends who have just lost their 2 year-old nephew to cancer.

I have friends who have recently lost a close friend due to a tragic and horrific car accident.

And too many more things have happened to other friends that I can't even list them all.


While I have NO, absolutely NO idea what it feels like to go through what they have gone through, Bryan and I have personally seen more heartache in the last few months than we would like to admit.
Most of our heartache has to do with medical school, though. It has really been a rough go, and it's not going to get any easier in the next few months. In fact, it's going to get harder. Last week, we came to the realization that he simply isn't going to match for a residency position. He has (we have) gone through 4 years of medical school, and he may never become a doctor. I'm sure this brings up a lot of questions, but I'm going to save answering those for another day. 

I can't even tell you the amount of times I have just wanted to run away.
I have never felt so emotionally exhausted in my life. I feel like a failure, I feel angry, I feel bitter, upset, hurt, sad, defeated, discouraged, you name it.

I feel like I have reached my breaking point. 
Is it not enough that we applied for 5 years to even get into medical school to begin with? Is it not enough that he has severe dyslexia (which makes all of the studying even more grueling than it already is to the average student)? Is it not enough that we have experienced heartache after heartache as he tries to achieve his dreams? Is it not enough that we have worked our BUTTS off and are now a half million dollars in debt? 

Will he be the best doctor in the country? No.
Will he be world-renowned? Probably not.
Would he be an incredible pediatrician? Of course!
Will we appreciate it more even more if he ever lands a residency? YES!

There it is again... appreciating (beyond comprehension) the things we work so tirelessly for.

I wouldn't wish our experience on anyone, but I can't help but cringe any time I hear others complain about how it's been so hard for their husband to be away for residency interviews. I would do ANYTHING to have my husband gone for residency interviews! It kills me to hear of the "hard decision" they have to make in ranking their top choices. Is it their fault that they're there and I'm not? Absolutely not. Those are terribly hard decisions, and I would be saying the same things if I were in their shoes! But I'm not. 

And I'm suddenly PAINFULLY aware of the following:

How much do I make my sweet friend cringe every time I complain about my HEALTHY child who makes a mess? Who won't eat their dinner? Who kicked me when I asked them to put on their pajamas? Who dumps water out of the tub?

I'm sorry, friend, from the deepest corners of my heart. 
I am aching for you. I don't know how you are doing it, but I am here for you.
I have learned from you. I have rediscovered what is important.
Please forgive my shortcomings. Please forgive me for not appreciating my children like I should.  
Please be patient with me as I learn how to be.

And Dearest Father in Heaven... 
Please, bless my friends. Give them strength and comfort, and help me to see the world as my son...

"Kent, what do you want for your birthday?"

"Whatever you give me, I'm just fine with."

"Whatever you give me, I'm just fine with."

Signing off... <3


  1. Beautiful. Love Kent's sweet soul. I know he gets it from his awesome parents. Will pray for your friends. As an aneurysm survivor, I am thankful for every day I am given. Will pray this little guy recovers and amazes everyone!

  2. This world is so rough! I'm so sorry for these trials you are going through! We are praying for you!

  3. Oh Jill, I just love you my friend. I'm so sorry to read all of this, it just breaks my heart for your friends and for your sweet family. I don't know why people have to go through such hard things, I would give anything to take it away. But I do know that I don't know everything but there is someone that does, and that gives me great comfort. As great as our trials are there is someone that does know and is there for us to lean on. I know that sometimes that faith doesn't make things easier to go through, but it does bring a great amount of comfort. We love your sweet family and have you guys in our prayers. If anyone can overcome hard things it is definitely your family! I'm always here my friend if you ever need a listening ear. Miss you every day!

  4. You don't even realize how sweet and thoughtful you are just taking a minute to voice your love and concern for someone else's trials. Everyone has deep dark demons to battle and we are all equipped with different tools to handle those trials. Don't ever discount your difficult times because you are going through it and you are the one that has to deal with and feel the weight of that burden on your shoulders. And by experiencing those trails yourself, it helps us to reach out when others are struggling too!! Maybe it's just that shoulder to cry on and the arm to lean on that helps us all get through it in the end. Love you so much!!

  5. This is a GREAT post Jill. I love you so so much and I'm so sad you have been going through such hard things. I love what Kent said. He is so so sweet. It's true I guess we do have to just be happy with whatever we get but it is so hard to keep that perspective sometimes. Life here on earth can just be so challenging. We need to talk soon. We have a lot of catching ion to do. I miss you my cute sis in law.

  6. Dearest Jillian,

    You have certainly been going through the refiner's fire lately! I am sorry for your friend and will remember to pray for her boy. I really appreciated reading your honest words that I can tell came straight from the heart. As I read, I remembered a quote I had just read and saved a few minutes ago by Jeffery R Holland. It is "When life is hard, remember-we are not the first to ask,'Is there no other way.'" One of the things I am starting to grasp (feebly, I'll admit) is that the reason Christ felt our sorrows and trials, and temptations, and anger....(and the list goes on) was to have more compassion and charity for the individual. Charity is the pure love of Christ. That is what you are feeling, we just don't fully have faith and understanding our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have. But your heart is expanding and you are realizing that your problems (though huge) are no worse than the trials that others are suffering. You are looking outward and trying not to just look inward like so many people do. You really do care about others (I think you always have) and are learning that you want to be careful with the feelings of others and not harm people with thoughtless words. "You're trying to be like Jesus, following in his way, Trying to live as He did, in all that you do and say....,," Just remember to let Him carry most of the burden. He has been there, and he knows.. I know this is poorly said, but it comes from the heart. Take care my friend. You are loved!