It's been over a week since my last post, but there is a reason. Things have been... TOUGH! Of course, we're missing Bryan more than ever, and I think that has EVERYTHING to do with it. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I just figured I would feel overwhelmed, and be really on-edge being this pregnant, and having the two kids all to myself, but it's been much worse.
I also thought that James and Alexis were too little for these big changes to make a difference in their behavior. Boy... was I WRONG!!! James (although always crazy) has always been a sweet, tender-hearted boy (much like his father). He always rushes to apologize, and always wants to make sure I'm okay. But... starting about 3 days after Bryan left, he turned MEAN AND NASTY! He would yell and scream at me, say some of the rudest things, and would REFUSE to listen (just to name a few). The list really goes on and on. But really, just imagine a complete terror. That was James. It was embarrassing to even go anywhere for fear that a temper tantrum would begin. His pre-school teachers noticed that he was struggling too, the whole nine yards.
Alexis, although always independent, began to listen less (although that's hard to imagine), while at the same time became VERY CLINGY! She has NEVER had a hard time going to sleep at night, and ever since we moved to my G'ma's house, both she and James would lie in bed awake for nearly 3 hours every night!!! It has been an absolute nightmare on my end! Last night was the worst! 3 1/2 hours of screaming from Alexis. She never even did that as a newborn! She's always dove right into bed, and is asleep 10 min later. Others find it a miracle, really. But finally, I caved. I couldn't do it anymore. I laid down on the floor with her, and within 2 minutes she was asleep! I knew I was in trouble - that she would expect this every night from now on. But I just didn't have it in me any more to keep fighting.
I've been exhausted! The kids are running me ragged. The two-man job has turned into a one-man job, and I thought it would be much easier to handle. Their "inability" to listen to instructions was quickly driving me insane. It was heartbreaking to see them struggle so badly with their Daddy gone. They don't understand why we just can't go with him. It got so bad yesterday, Jan. 16th, that I just knew I couldn't do it any longer. Something had to break, and I was just hoping that it wasn't me. I was not myself. I was not happy. I was afraid this was the beginning of a downward spiral. That was when I caved for Lexi. And that was when (after falling to my knees in desperate prayer) I went to sleep.
And miraculously!!!! Today occurred! All three of us started the day well-rested and with smiles. James started using his "pleases" and "thank-yous" again. He wasn't screaming, and neither was Lexi. No whining was occurring, and they were eating. They laughed and played. It seemed as though they were back! But, was I? Still a little sad, but I was able to find motivation today! I cleaned the bathrooms, went grocery shopping, baked a cheesecake for my sis-in-law's bday. I was productive! And then the real test... bedtime. I didn't really let Lexi take a nap (except for about 20 min in the car). They took baths, got in jammies, and instead of laying them down at 7, I thought I would take baby steps, and try 8. Still climbing out of her bed at 8:15, I thought I was in trouble with Alexis, and James was crying that he was thirsty... but 8:20 hit, and BOOM!!! SILENCE!!!!!!! I checked, and they're both OUT LIKE A LIGHT!!! Could this really be happening?
Are we really back on track??? I sure hope so. Life without Bryan is unbearable enough as it is. This would make the time go by a WHOLE lot quicker.
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